Sassafrass

It took almost as long to write this Thanksgiving recap post as it did to get prints of the three-year old birth photos

I've been sitting in my office all day, distracting myself with posting about everything else other than Thanksgiving. There have been strings of thoughts through my mind that could easily work themselves into sentences and then paragraphs and eventually fulfill my feelings that the holiday must be discussed. It has just been difficult to weave it together. More difficult than I imagined.

This makes sense, I suppose, since Thanksgiving was more difficult than I imagined. I tried very hard to convince myself that the near eight-hour road trip with my dad and grandmother sitting in happy silence in the front seats and my mom and I nestled around Lil E in the carseat in the back, would be the beginning of a get-away. I really hoped that the hotel room my boy and I shared that adjoined to my parents' room would give us a bit of a retreat from being long-term guests in their home while also having some support for the inevitable late-night wakings in a strange bed far from home. I so wanted to escape the upheaval that has become our new normal.

That's not what happened. As much as I hate to put these words to keyboard or screen or into the universe, I was - quite honestly - not feeling very grateful. And that's where it began to unravel.

Get your ass in gear, mama. I mean, only if you are so inclined.

How Monday is it of me to post this give-away alert for  a four-week Windy City Adventure Boot Camp Class? I'm not saying any of need this fitness tough love. And I promise not to judge if your 6 AMs are much better spent tending babies, begrudgingly catching the early news or maybe even crawling back into bed. But if you are up and can detach small children, needy husbands and nighties and you feel the need for some yelly wellness, why not get it for free? Save your money to spend on something delicious as a reward for taking care of you, or even just extracting yourself from the morning routine.

Easy peasy: Just go here to sign up for the giveaway on Chicago Moms Blog.

Not wireless, but at least walking

Yesterday, we said a sad goodbye to the milfivan. I had one last listen to the Coffee House station and celebrity shuffle show (who knew Nick Rhodes is so into Michael Jackson?) while I transferred the car seat back to my mom's car, gathered up the seeds from a dried and spikey pod Lil E found and delivered to me proudly, and checked under the seat for any precious parking meter quarters I may have dropped or lip gloss I'd be frantically searching for over the course of YEARS before I gave up completely.

While we never mastered the wireless headphones and only spent four soundless minutes with satellite TV on-screen, and while I am not sure I could negotiate who I am and where I am at this point in time with (the few) remaining visions of vandom I have parked in my mind, we had a very nice ride this last week.

Now we are back to sharing cars and arranging rides, which is fine, just a bit more logistical and a tad less technoboombalottie.  It also means that we will unfold the stroller and put those much smaller wheels to the streets as Lil E and I head ten blocks over to our own neighborhood for music class and playgroup and maybe even some time at the park we've been away from these past few weeks.

I have to say, I am looking forward to that walking. I'm not at all inconvenienced -- other than the out-the-door rush to fill up the snack packs and sippy cups and find coats and paci and the baby doll and just a few trucks in case we happen upon some good dirt to scoop and drive in -- by getting out in the open for a while, stretching my legs and not worrying one bit about the sound coming through the headphones.

Project: Life Change. Really, I'm good.

Finally, it was a good, good day. An empowering day, a day of weights lifted. I feel my life spreading wings and spanning out across time and space and many years, rather than being closed tightly around several months of great pain and deep heartache, rather than the self-protection and vulnerability of the moments that have just passed.

There will be more grieving, I am sure. Now, I am going to revel in this lightness and grace a little bit. I am going to laugh louder today when it strikes me, not rush through bedtime songs and stories and question after preschool question. I am going to look at myself in the mirror to see if the twinkle is back in my eyes.

It's not that I want to stare at myself or ignore the logistics of my life, of our lives. It's just that I'm into reflections right now.

I want to see if how I feel today is showing. In these six or seven long and turbulent weeks, everything I've been feeling has been falling off me in pounds and in hours of sleep and in too many tears.

But not today. Today it is -- and the only words that I can think of come from Maya Angelou --

It's in the click of my heels,
The bend of my hair,
the palm of my hand,
The need of my care,
'Cause I'm a woman
Phenomenally.*

That feeling isn't just something. It's everything. At least for today.

*Thanks, CityMama, for your sageness in keeping me centered on these lines.

[photo credit: Jessica Ashley] 
 

Linkety Dinkety Doo: Taking care of bidniss

I am taking care of all kinds of business today -- shuttling Lil E to and from co-op, where it seems the swift and icky stomach flu bug has finally dissipated, handling scads of financial headaches and making a plan for myself for the next few weeks. A good friend told me that when life becomes intensely emotional, it is good and healthy and productive to eliminate the feelings from certain aspects of each day, to designate what is just plain business. She also suggested I make a business plan for my life, which feels a bit daunting but is actually a sanctuary to emotional roller coaster of these last months. Numbers on a page and meetings in a calendar are tangible and real and unbiased. That's comforting.

That also means I am working more and reading more. While I hurry off to arrange an interview while I eat lunch and check in on a few blogs I've greatly missed, there's a bit of business for you to sink into with me. Join me over at Strollerderby, where we're in the conference room eating microwave popcorn, drinking Shasta and talking about:

The Seven REAL Signs Your Kid Loves You (and this isn't any warm-fuzzy flower-from-the-garden bullhockey, my friends).

Mario Lopez's ass. Yes, he is an ass, but also, we're ruminating on his booty. Oh, and Britney. Because all celeb stories eventually circle 'round to Brit Brit.

George Clooney's commitment. Not an ass, but again, having one.

The at-home dad convention. Also known as another attempt for the papas to be as BlogHer as possible. I'm kidding. I'm sure it is a lovely affair with spectacular crudites.

The kids of Hollywood power players. Also known as what happens when the characters from The OC grow up and have babies. Ewwww.

Making my life (just a bit) easier

We have a lot going on, but who doesn't right? Sometimes, I am hesitant to write too much about my own stresses, my own scoffing at seeking "balance" and all the little details of my existence that have you snoring and me evolving into the ranty lady who's cubicle you actively avoid and who's emails somehow "get lost in cyberspace." So for today, I am taking a break (go ahead, collectively sigh with relief) to tell you about a few of the things that are helping dissipate the stress and keep me centered on juggling rather than balancing. This is one mama-to-another, daily sort of stuff, nothing earth-shattering or a-ha inducing. But I swear, in days that go from manageable to wackadoodle in a matter of minutes, here's some of the goodness that's contributing to my deep exhales:

Project: Life Change. Of course. That is, change of course.

My priorities have shifted in the last month because, as I've mentioned here vaguely, we've had some turmoil in our home. And really, that is like saying parenting is hard when sometimes it feels absolutely handleable and the next moment, insurmountable. I wrote a bit about what we're are trying to move through here.

This is tough for me to write about here because it is not all mine. But several of you have kindly asked me if I am OK and even more kindly, asked my mom if I am OK. The answer is: I am trying.

I am trying to take care of myself because it is important for me and because I understand (now) that it is the best thing I can do as a mother. I am reaching out to my friends (thank you) and my parents (and thank you) and even to my blogging friends (and also you). I am reading good stuff and praying and tonight, I am going to get back to meditating because it helps my fast-forward-prone mind just rest.

And tomorrow, I am taking the day off guilt-free and going to lunch with my grrrlfriend Molls who, by the way, is getting married in March. I want to help her pick out a cake but I also want to bask in a bit of that boundless joy. I might even order a drink. After that, we're going to a movie. In the middle of the day.   

My Project: Life Change has taken an unexpected turn, or perhaps more accurately, veered way out on some frontage road I don't recognize yet. But I have not forgotten my commitment to myself and I have not forgotten all the hard work and questions and challenges and good stuff going on with many of you.  But let's not forget that even the most industrious, ambitious, A students among us need a break. Even from the release.

Project: Life Change. Enough about me, let's talk about my career

I made a big old deal about quitting one of my jobs. And it was a big deal. I talked about it for at least a month before I actually took a deep breath, exhaled my worries out into the universe and just did it. And then, as I was typing in the final words on my final posts, I got an IM from my boss. She wanted to know if I'd be interested in a promotion and in one abbreviated, acronymical sentence a flurry of "more money! more validation! more stress and responsibility!" flew through my thoughts.

Because, well...as we all know, that's how the universe works.  I was feeling so good about my good-bye, about sending myself off toward a week with a little extra time and a few less deadlines, maybe even a bit more sanity, and then there it was. An offer. An idea. A possibility.  It was so there that, a few minutes later, I realized my hand was paused in mid-air above my touchpad and I hadn't yet hit the publish button on those last posts.

 

Right here, right now

I'm always a bit sad to feel fall coming. Saying goodbye to summer when you live in Chicago means that very soon you will be saying hello to winter and sometimes frigid temperatures and the inevitable snow and radiator heat that means it is either blanket-wrapped cold or sweaty hot in our little apartment, never a happy medium.

This week, we've run into several parents in the neighborhood and at co-op who've made comments on the changing weather, on getting out as much as possible before it is really cold, on dreading winter with kids and moms cooped up inside for too many hours of the day. And as much as I have a pang of dread myself, I am not ready to give in. Before I do that, I need to sink into fall.

Project: Life Change. Who has already signed on?

There is an energy in the air. Or at least on my screen. I can feel the momentum in the comments here and on CityMama's post and on other blogs where we are calling out to women to make changes for the good in their lives. Here's a bit from those mama's who've caught the buzz. Stop on by and show them you're right there with them:

Project: Life Change. The first things on the list

The journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step.
-- Lao-tzu. This saying is on a stained, tattered and torn piece of paper that's been taped to my mom's refrigerator for years.

We've had a tough week. We've been emotional and upset and needing care. Lil E is a sensitive boy and even though he's not been privy to the serious conversations going on in our household, he's been absorbing a lot of the stress and clinging to me, whining uncharacteristically and needing his paci even more. The cuddles feel good but there are not a band-aid for the challenges we are trying very hard to not just address but dig into deeply.

In the middle of all of this, I've tried to be mindful, making a mental list of all the things I'd like to include in my own personal Project: Life Change. What kept coming up was my need for a break. A break from work. A break from our cluttered apartment. A break from the phone and the email and the stats checking. A break from the stress.

Project: Life Change. Get in on this action!

Cross-posted on CityMama,  Chicago Moms Blog and Silicon Valley Moms Blog.

Calling all "mama friends," especially those of you who do the work-life juggle every day.

Are you tired? Stressed out? Grouchy? Feeling like you are working to much? Missing out on watching your kids grow up? Too busy to participate in the fun parts of family life? Avoiding the pile of laundry in the corner of your bedroom?  Neglecting yourself? Not making time or money for the little luxuries? Feeling isolated from your partner? Overwhelmed with school calendars, activities, and homework? Longing for more time in your day? Feeling out of control and powerless to make a change?

We're Jessica of Sassafrass and Stefania of CityMama and right there with you. And, as much as we love to bitch about how frustrated we are with our current life sitches to anyone who will listen (and you know we can bitch like it's our JOB), we've decided to do something about it.