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May 28, 2009

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Amy Sue Nathan

I know it seems like a long time, but you are brand-spanking new to this. It's harder in the beginning and eventually, down the line, you get to a place of ambivalence when it comes to the ex. Maybe not in how he deals with the kids or his own life, but in how he reacts or acts to you. It doesn't happen quickly.

And when he does push your buttons, say mean things, yell, accuse and make your life more difficult remember the decisions you've made that have brought you where you are and be grateful. The best reminder my friend ever gave me post-divorce every single time my ex did something that baffled or angered me or that was incredibly mean or very stupid...was that I obviously was right about him and was lucky to be out of the marriage. She always said, "Just think, all that could still be yours." And then I'd laugh, and move on.

You will too. Promise.

furiousball

you'll grow your filter, don't worry. it comes with knowledge that you can't care about them anymore when they try to hurt you for two reasons, number one, you give them that power and that's no good. number two, you can't care, because if you did, you'd be hurting all the time.

i'm new to this too, but it works for me

Jessica Ashley (Sassafrass)

Amy - I knew, even as I typed, that you would respond with your calming, wise words. I am so grateful this morning that you have. Thank you. I love that line and it reminds me of what some of my girlfriends and I call the "PHEW men"...as in "PHEW! You got out of that one in the nick of time!"

Furiousball - Yes, I think you are right. The power is the damnedest thing, isn't it. And I also agree, none of us need to go around hurting all the time.

Thanks you two...it helps to have those lines running in my head louder than the other crap.

Joy Brinkmeyer

Jessica, Even after being divorced for two decades, Sometimes I see the father of my children walking down the street and by his gait and downcast head, I know that he is ticked about something. I have a brief sinking feeling remembering a time when I danced on tiptoe to alleviate his pain but luckily, fast-forward to the awesome relief that his stuff is not my problem.

You are new at this. Give yourself a break. You had a minor relapse and fell for the bait and hook. It happens. Sounds like you have some exit strategies. You will learn to use them sooner and rebound faster. You will gradually move to the next plateau and the view and freedom will be great. Love you, Aunt Joy

2Jmama

loving you.

Cailey

Even though I am not divorced, my parents are. I think they are cool with each other (maybe?). At least, it generally seems like that is the case. I remember when I was younger they fought a lot more often. Now it's mostly over money for my brother (and his collegiate adventures). Their relationship definitely got better over time, partly because time heals and partly (I think?) because we (me and my brothers) got older and could make decisions for ourselves that they used to have to fight over.

Hope that helped. And I hope that your situation gets better! :) If you ever want a kid's perspective, my parents have been divorced for ... 15 years? I think. That's a long time! Have a spectacular week. And I love your toenail and fingernail polish. So sunny!

get your ex back

Good question to think about. I think it is a very hard thing to come back from.

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Sassafam

  • Jessica Ashley
    That's me. I'm a single mama in the city who is an editor, writer and social media host. I wear inappropriately high heels to the playground and know too much about light sabers.
  • Lil E
    Star Wars-obsessed, Tae Kwon Crazayyy child who eerily/awesomely knows exactly how both high-fructose corn syrup and autopsies work. He also compliments my shoes. My work here is done.

I wrote this.

  • Don't gank the grrrl.
    It is mine. All mine. Everything written here is copyright me and only me. Do not even think about using it without permission. OK, now back to nice grrrl me.