When does sleep deprivation officially become self-abuse?

I've written a lot about how sleep deprived I am, about how I put the boy to bed and get back to work and do not shut down until midnight. Or one. Or sometimes later.

I've tried many tactics to get myself in better sleep shape. My laptop dings at me at 9:45 to stop working. My cell phone chimes at me at 11:00 to crawl into bed. And still, night after night, I click ignore and keep on until I crash.

It's time to stop that. I've said a gazillion times before but something changed for me this week. As I stared into the dark of my bedroom, a thought came whispering to me, "Why are you abusing yourself like this?"

The question came through so loudly that I have not been able to stop hearing it. Since then, I have been thinking a lot about what the line is between not taking good care and self-abuse. I've been asking myself why, when I need sleep, want rest, require so much more now that I am going it alone here, that I am still so deprived.

So at 1:37 last night, I scribbled out the things I must move to the top the list. I put on paper what I need in order to be more balanced, so live in the center rather than on the sharp upswings and downswings of energy.

One of those things is eight hours of sleep. I can handle seven, but really, I am an eight-hour kind of person. I always have recognized that but have rarely realized it.

Another of those things is time alone. Not in front of a screen. Not at 2 a.m.

A third is time for projects outside of work. Scheduled time, daylight hours.

A fourth is yoga. I love yoga so much, my body aches for it and my mind begs for it. So why am I not doing it more often?

Finally, I need help. I joke about wanting to have a houseboy on hand (ahem), but really, I could use a housekeeper to come in and dust and mop and scrub and straighten the things I find myself scrambling to clean in the wee hours.

There are only a few things but let's be honest, it's a big list. It's not hard to hire someone to scrub your bathroom floor or to hunt down a vinyasa class. But it feels like a mountain of a commitment to choose myself, and not just stuff I want sparkling in the distance. To choose the needs whispering to me from the summit.

Now help a mama out: How in the hell do you make yourself go to sleep at a decent hour?

Comments

[PT-LawMom]

What a great post! Good for you for prioritizing yourself and your needs. I use my laptop without a plug so that the battery runs down faster. Honestly, I don't have great tips. When I was married, it was easier because my ex would go to sleep early because he started work at 4 a.m. Now I don't take care of myself either. But your post is inspirational. :)

[Kim]

I wish I knew. Since I've been single parenting these months, I've been doing the same thing. I'm vaguely inclined to link it to not wanting to crawl into bed alone, but I know it's more than that. I, like you, have the timers, the goals, the bribes of 'me time' for an hour before 'sleep time', but I consistently miss. This is timely for me, so I'll be thinking about this more today and until I figure it out.

[furiousball]

yeah, i know this well. i have a lot of sleep issues. my kids are so far away from me and i worry about them constantly. i hope you do find some peace to get you to slumberland? do you do yoga? stretching helps me out a lot and gets me centered.

and the laptop, yeah it is hard to close that thing ain't it? i try to read or watch a movie, something that doesn't require me to think too much hopefully.

if that doesn't work, well, that's what the fifth of smirnoff is for in the nightstand table...

[dadshouse]

I hear you. My kids and I do the housework, and we tend to let things slide a week or two longer than we should.

As for sleep - are there foods you are eating late at night? Chocolate and red wine are killer for me. If I have either in the evening, I'm awake half the night.

To help me sleep, I do reiki on myself. I'm a reiki master. It's energy healing. It's great!

[SingleParentDad]

Difficult.

It's a trap door. I'm currently struggling to get into bed anytime before 12, which isn't good for night-after-night and then up whenever Max is.

I'm knackered today, we went swimming after nursery, and I think it has tired us both out.

Cleaning is an issue here, and if you can afford it I definitely think you should get someone in.

[daruma]

I gave up caffeine. I know that is probably a sacreligious suggestion, but I think it has helped with going to bed earlier. If you buy high-quality decaf coffee, it's still good! And then when you really need a caffeine rush, it's much more effective. Just a thought!

[Bob]

Well speaking from someone that gets six hours sleep a night at the most and has a hard time going to sleep at times (my mind will race a million miles a second about everything then I start to panic I won't get enough sleep which just makes things worse)I would suggest speaking with your doctor about a script for Ambien. Be careful because it can be addictive but for a short period of time it will be fine and help get your body on a schedule. Once your body has established this schedule it makes it much easier to do without medication. I've heard some people say it makes them "groggy" in the morning but I haven't experienced that. Trust me if you take one at 10:45 you'd better be near a bed by 11pm. They work, and work well.