After my request to please do everything in our power to get this divorce done already, things with the Almost Ex have been quieter, calmer, steadier going. I am experienced enough to know this will probably not last forever and just wise enough to appreciate every civil conversation that floats between us at the front door of my apartment.
Tonight, we meet to go over the financial part of our separation. It is our attempt to avoid a trial, it is my hope to blow the last seed from the stem of this marriage.
I told my grrrl Lulu today that I was feeling anxious and she stopped me before I could get anymore of that vulnerable vocabulary out of my mouth.
"No, Jessica," she said firmly into the phone from across the country. "You are on a quest. There's no room or need for anxiousness. The universe -- or God or the goddesses or whatever -- will not just give you what is yours. You will be given what you are capable of handling. It is sad to say, but you are good at this now. Use your talents. Pull out your breastplate and shield and sword and ass-kicking boots, if you need to because you are on the quest of your life."
I cried when she said it but I also smiled to imagine myself with all my armor of calmness and centeredness and support of a thousand grrrlfriends and family members and friends I've never met in person.
That word -- quest. It stuck with me. It wouldn't leave me all day. I get that this is one part of a big life, one hash-mark on the timeline. The quest isn't just about being done with the money or even done with the divorce. It isn't about moving past the year mark or into another month. It is the quest to keep on. The sand is pretty thick now and there may be crazies lurking in the shadows, Lulu says I can take them (and take it), and that feels empowering to hear.
Who the hell wants to be skilled in the art of divorce? Or even in negotiating with someone they once loved but now is a completely different person? No one.
But if I am -- and yes, I am getting better at this all the time -- then I am going to make it my quest. And with my tough-talking, loving, amazing, breast-plated women friends around me, I am going with all the BeDazzled goddess gear I can find.